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SuperDepressed

Tag Archives: happiness

Disability Payments

20 Sunday Jan 2019

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anxiety, anxiety and depression, asd, autism, disability, disability payments, government assistance, happiness, mental health, mental illness, spectrum disorder, welfare

After 10 years or more of realising I’m disabled, I’m finally going to do it. I’m finally going to apply for government assistance (benefits or welfare, you might know that as) so I can have some quality of life, and get some help for my various and debilitating care needs.

In time, I hope to be able to refurbish my house, so that I don’t have to bend–if I never had to lean and pick anything up, my back would go out less frequently, and I could reduce my reliance on strong painkillers, which would result in my having more energy and thinking more clearly. This would likely make a return to higher education more feasible, which could, in turn, eventually lead to a paying job that I could work from home (that’s the absolute pinnacle of the dream, anyway).

For my autism and social anxiety, I would love a service animal. I have never felt utterly terrified when stroking a dog, but I would need one that was incapable of jumping up, barking excitedly, etc, as my little girl is terrified of dogs… I’m only going to be able to afford an animal like that, if it’s a government-sponsored deal.

With a service animal, could I even work outside the home, one day? Not to spout a cliché, but stranger things have happened.

Most of all, my husband could feel better about his reduced hours at work (he went from working full-time to part-time, in order to help take care of me and my kids, also both autistic) and whilst he’s happy to do it (and knows we’re all safer with him here–they can’t physically attack me if he stands between us, etc) he worries an extraordinary amount about the money we have (or don’t have, really) coming in. If I could take a load off of his mind, I would consider that only fair.

He’s the reason that, for the first time in my life, all my short stories and blog entries seem to have happy endings.

Christmas, 2018

30 Sunday Dec 2018

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asd, autism, best christmas so far, children, christmas, family, happiness, husband, kids

It was wonderful.

I was so, so ill, both on the day and for about 10 days before. (I’m still coughing fire, sometimes hard enough to wet myself… gotta love stress incontinence, amiright?)

New Husband Jake sorted everything out. I did a 2-hour shift on Christmas morning at the suicide prevention hotline, and then, I basically slept until an hour before the kids came back from their dad’s. (We alternate; it was his year to have them Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, and mine to have them Christmas afternoon and overnight.)

While I slept on the couch, Jake finished wrapping their presents, cleaning their rooms, rearranging furniture (including building new beds and hooking up new electronics) and he brought me coffee and cold & flu tablets when I finally woke up.

The kids–sometimes overwhelmed by Christmas–utterly loved their gifts, especially the lay-outs of their “new” rooms, and for the first time in my life (including my own childhood) I witnessed a Christmas with no child meltdowns.

I am so, so blessed. I have never been this happy before, and yet, I feel like overall, I am becoming happier.

I love you, Jake. I love you, Sweet Babies. Thank you for making this life worthwhile.

Getting Married Soon

15 Sunday Oct 2017

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fantasy, halloween, happiness, in love, life after abuse, love, marriage, masks, relationships, soulmates, true love

So. As I believe I have indicated in my previous post, I’ll be getting married soon.

VERY SOON.

(On Halloween. This year.)

It will be the 4th year in a row that I’ve spent Halloween with my soon-to-be-husband, but only the 2nd one since we met properly. Please, allow me to explain.

In real life, I have 2 speeds: 1, anxiety-ridden-and-hiding-inside-my-house, and 2, party-girl-making-sexual-innuendos-and-drinking-too-much. The 2nd is a mask, to hide the 1st… but I’ve been pretending to be that girl for so long, I have, Nathaniel Hawthorne-style, forgotten which me is the real one. Or at least, I had. Last year, at Halloween, just before things got *really* shit, I let a nice boy see a little underneath the mask… we had a lovely chat, but nothing came of it.

Then, in March of this year, we saw each other on a night out, and by the end of the first hour, we were inseparable. We talked about everything: our shared religious upbringing, our similar thoughts on God/His potential existence, the state of the cosmos, socialism vs capitalism (I realise one is a form of government and the other an economic system, but let’s be serious, they don’t really mix well, now do they) the kind of books we like, the nature of love, the way we saw ourselves… I mean, we didn’t really leave anything unsaid… then he walked me home and we carried on talking until 9 in the morning.

Then he went home, and I sent him a message before I went to sleep. He replied, more or less instantly. I replied when I woke up. A few days later, we were at the wedding of 2 of our friends, and we more or less rinsed-and-repeated–it was officially morning before we stopped talking at the reception.

Who am I kidding. We *never* stopped talking, from that first night in March. I hope we never will.

And now, 7 months in, give or take, and he’s done me the incredible honour of letting me be his first serious relationship; he’s changed jobs, moved across the country to be with me, become integral to my kids’ routines, proposed, and we’re getting married in a couple of weeks. A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

The heck of it is, it actually feels like I’ve been waiting too long, to be with him. I mean, I’m in my 30s already–what if I only live another 50 years? That’s just not enough time to love him, and be loved by him.

For the first time in about a decade, I’m praying there’s an afterlife, just so I can kiss his face when we both get there… for the longest time in I don’t know when, I have no desire to send myself into that afterlife.

I keep saying I’m a born-again romantic, and it’s true–all the things I’d stopped believing in, I can at least hope for, now. And the one thing I always really wanted–unconditional love, from someone who wants the same from me–I’ve finally got. It’s not a cure for chronic depression and anxiety, of course it’s not… but it is, finally, after years of wishing, someone to share the load: a Peeta Mellark to my Katniss Everdeen, a Samwise Gamgee to my Frodo Baggins, a Perrin Aybara to my Faile Bashere, all rolled into one.

As an adult, I have never felt such joy, nor such peace. I didn’t think those emotions could be experienced, in an adult life… turns out, all it takes is finding your soulmate. Easy as  😉

I wish you all luck in finding yours  ❤

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